Something struck me this week. These things always take me
by surprise and just take the wind right out of my sails pretty quickly. I don’t
understand how it just pops into my head and can take over my head and heart so
unexpectedly. It makes me feel weak. Yet, it always leads me to seek His
strength, which is ultimately good.
I could have been celebrating my third born child’s tenth
birthday this week. Instead, she wasn’t born here on earth; she was here for
only a few short weeks in my womb and then she was brought Home by her loving Heavenly
Father. But she’s been in my heart all along. “I Will Carry You” by Selah says
it best.
There were things I wanted to
show you
Sing sweet
lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you
like this?
People say that I am brave
but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely
hanging on
But there’s a
greater story
Written long before
me
Because He loves
you like this
I will carry you
While your heart
beats here
Long beyond the
empty cradle
Through the coming
years
I will carry you
All my life
I will praise the
One Who's chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to
His voice
And He says
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through
the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no
more teary eyes
Who could love her
like this?
I will carry you
While your heart
beats here
Long beyond the
empty cradle
Through the coming
years
I will carry you
All your life
I will praise the
One Who's chosen Me
To carry you
I miss that child more than ever. How can you miss someone you never really knew? How can you miss someone who is with you every single day of your life? How can you miss someone who is a part of you? How can you not? I wish I knew. I would think that ten years would be enough grieving, but it's not. I know I will grieve that baby, and the other two I lost years later, for the rest of my life here until I am brought Home by my loving savior and we are reunited. I think about that moment all the time. When Elli gets off the bus from school and runs and jumps into my arms... will it be like that? Is my Grandpa holding and playing with them? I know there is no concept of time in heaven so it really won't matter once I get there... but here, right here right now, in my mortal state where there most definitely is a concept of time, my arms long to hold her, to hold all three of them, and they've been aching for over ten years now.
I keep thinking about what she would be like. Would I be planning a girly sleepover for 10 little girls in our home this week for my ten year old girl? I bet birthday parties in heaven (yeah, I know there's no time there so probably no birthday celebrations, but don't judge me, I'm just letting my brain flow) are better than the most pinteresty party I could even dream of throwing for her here! Her name would have been Hailey Jane if she had been born here, but instead I think of her name as "Faith" because losing her is what started me on my journey to find Him. Would she be a tom-boy? Would she be anything like Zack is? It's so hard to grasp that I wouldn't have him if I hadn't lost her. But I know in my heart, that this was His plan all along. Zack was most definitely meant to be my son who will be turning 10 in November. This I know for sure. I could never ever imagine that Zack replaced her nor that Elli replaces the other two. It just isn't how it works. But this week, I'm thinking about the "what if" questions that pop into my head when I think about her. Would she have been the brown haired, blue eyed, freckle-faced girl I'd always dreamed of having? That is how I picture her in heaven. I'm overcome with gratefulness that someday, I will get to be with her for eternity. But this week, I keep thinking about her turning 10. Ten years ago, right now, I could have been giving birth. Instead, I was 2 1/2 months away from giving birth to Zack and so very grateful to be feeling him kick the crap out of my insides. I could be decorating the house with her favorite color... would it be pink? Or purple like Elli's is? Or maybe blue? Would she be a little social butterfly? Would she be playing soccer? Would Dave be coaching her team? Maybe she'd play softball. Maybe she'd be getting ready to start band. Maybe she'd be a bookworm and love to snuggle. Would she be a fireball of sass? Would she talk our ears off like Zack does? Would she annoy the crap out of us like he does? I think she would! I think most 10 year old girls do, right? I don't know, I've never had a 10 year old girl before. But yet, I do! I have a little girl who is turning 10 in heaven where there is no time. Maybe she would be getting her ears pierced for her 10th birthday. Maybe she would have asked for a new bike or a diary or the latest Mandisa CD. :) Would she know Jesus? Would I? Because I didn't ten years ago. This makes me so sad. How different would it have been?
I keep thinking about what she would be like. Would I be planning a girly sleepover for 10 little girls in our home this week for my ten year old girl? I bet birthday parties in heaven (yeah, I know there's no time there so probably no birthday celebrations, but don't judge me, I'm just letting my brain flow) are better than the most pinteresty party I could even dream of throwing for her here! Her name would have been Hailey Jane if she had been born here, but instead I think of her name as "Faith" because losing her is what started me on my journey to find Him. Would she be a tom-boy? Would she be anything like Zack is? It's so hard to grasp that I wouldn't have him if I hadn't lost her. But I know in my heart, that this was His plan all along. Zack was most definitely meant to be my son who will be turning 10 in November. This I know for sure. I could never ever imagine that Zack replaced her nor that Elli replaces the other two. It just isn't how it works. But this week, I'm thinking about the "what if" questions that pop into my head when I think about her. Would she have been the brown haired, blue eyed, freckle-faced girl I'd always dreamed of having? That is how I picture her in heaven. I'm overcome with gratefulness that someday, I will get to be with her for eternity. But this week, I keep thinking about her turning 10. Ten years ago, right now, I could have been giving birth. Instead, I was 2 1/2 months away from giving birth to Zack and so very grateful to be feeling him kick the crap out of my insides. I could be decorating the house with her favorite color... would it be pink? Or purple like Elli's is? Or maybe blue? Would she be a little social butterfly? Would she be playing soccer? Would Dave be coaching her team? Maybe she'd play softball. Maybe she'd be getting ready to start band. Maybe she'd be a bookworm and love to snuggle. Would she be a fireball of sass? Would she talk our ears off like Zack does? Would she annoy the crap out of us like he does? I think she would! I think most 10 year old girls do, right? I don't know, I've never had a 10 year old girl before. But yet, I do! I have a little girl who is turning 10 in heaven where there is no time. Maybe she would be getting her ears pierced for her 10th birthday. Maybe she would have asked for a new bike or a diary or the latest Mandisa CD. :) Would she know Jesus? Would I? Because I didn't ten years ago. This makes me so sad. How different would it have been?
Thankfully, I believe in a Sovereign God whom I trust with my life. I know that His ways are higher and better than mine. And when life happens and troubles come (because He promised they always do), I know that He works all things for my good and for His Glory. I know that He is with me as I grieve again this week, as I grieve "what would have been" if things had been different ten years ago. He holds me as I cry, He holds my hand and lifts my head. He lets me cry when I need to let it leak and doesn't think less of me because I am weak. In fact, He loves my brokenness. When I am weak, He is strong.
Jesus is having the late-night chats with my 10 year old girl up there, instead of me as her mother. Whew, because He is so much better equipped anyway, right? I'm so very thankful that she is in paradise, even though I miss her so very much. She has never known pain or hurt, only a perfect Love. She's never sobbed into her pillow at night. She never screams when her hair is tangled or fights over wardrobe choices. She's never come home brokenhearted because some boy pulled her piggytail. She's never had to deal with girl-drama. She has only known Love and Peace and Joy. This makes my mama-heart happy.Because that's what mama hearts do... they want what is best for their children, even if that means it hurts ourselves beyond repair. She has experienced more love there in the past decade than we ever could here. So as I grieve what I could be doing right now with my 10 year old girl, I am overwhelmingly grateful that I know exactly Where she is and Who is holding her and taking care of her, just like He holds and takes care of her mama here.
Dear my sweet sweet Faith girl,
Momma loves you so very much and I miss you so very much. Happy 10th birthday baby girl. Paint momma a pretty pink sunset if you can. OK? Pinch your Great Grandpa's cheeks for me and tell him that I miss him too. Someday I will stand next to you and worship our Savior together forever, but this week as I stand next to your brothers and daddy in church and do that here, I will be imagining your ten year old self here too. I know worship there is far beyond my wildest imagination and I dream every day of how amazing that will be.I love to imagine You doing that. I love you with all of my heart and soul. Thank you for sending me sweet angel kisses and for painting pink puffy clouds. I bet that pink is your favorite color, isn't it? Look after your two sweet little siblings up there and give them kisses for me. Run and dance and twirl and sing and fly angel girl... I bet your Heavenly Father loves to watch you do all of those things. I look forward to when I can too for all of eternity. XXXOOO
Love, Momma
Love, Momma
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