thoughts on Thursday

"Stop the World" By Matthew West

The T.V. is talking
The telephone's ringing
The lights are all on and the radio's screaming
A million distractions are stealing my heart from You

I'm tired and empty
This life is relentless
It weakens my knees and it breaks my defenses
It's wearing me down and I'm desperate to hear from You

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

I need to be still before I make a move
And I need to be humble with nothing to prove
And I need Your Word to show me the truth
I need time, precious time

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

Stop the world, I'm ready to listen
Show me a sign, just give me a vision of Heaven
That I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice
Above all the senseless noise

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You, I need to hear You, Lord

Stop the world, I'm ready to listen
Show me a sign, give me a vision of Heaven
That I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You
Stop the world, I need some time with You

I'm still here. But this song kind of says exactly where I am right now.

Someone asked how I was doing after my last post. And someone else said "sucks to be you right now, doesn't it?" I said "no, actually no it doesn't". I walked away confused and disappointed in myself. I guess the way I had written my blog post must have not come off the way I feel because I don't feel like it sucks to be me. I'm happy with me for the most part. My life is very full of both good and bad things, because I'm human. And Yes, I have  pain for a couple of weeks each month and right now am dealing with a pain in the butt (literally - broken tailbone flare-up) and some other minor-in-the-grand-scheme-of-life things, but pain is temporary. This world is temporary. Thank You Jesus. 

I'm leaning into Him every single day and more so on some days. This weekend was packed full of fun stuff and I enjoyed every single one of them. I laughed until I cried and boy did I need that! It'd been a while since  that happened and laughter is good for the soul. Ann Voskamp wrote a blog post about that Monday. It's like she knows exactly what I need to read almost every single day! 

“A relaxed attitude lengthens a man’s life.” (Proverbs 14:30 TLB)

“Being cheerful keeps you healthy.” (Proverbs 17:22 GNB)

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with shouting.” (Job 8:21 ESV)

A few years ago, when I was in the thick of three small boys and life was a crazy mess as I was still figuring out how to have a relationship with Jesus, someone I greatly admire and trust, told me that he liked how I was always smiling. I said really? because I don't feel like it at all. He said every time he sees me, I am smiling. That really touched me and made me think. I don't think much about how other people see me (I lie, I really do much more than I care to admit, I just try not to really care) but I did start wonder then about how I am perceived. Is the perception that I'm a happy mom of many small children? Is it that I'm barely hanging on by a thread in this crazy life? Or somewhere in between, perhaps? I realize that no one cares much anyway, right? 

My thoughts are random today, I'm sorry. I'm going on lack of sleep right now. I've got a lot of windows open in the taskbar of my brain. And sometimes writing them out on here helps me organize them and organizing things helps me not feel stressed. If you could see my house right now, you might wonder if I'm in the midst of a breakdown from stress. ;-) But I'm not. Don't worry, Mom. ;-P I'm not sure I've ever felt so strong spiritually. I truly do. I may not be strong physically or emotionally, but I am solidly yoked to Jesus right now, and because of that, I can be grinning and brimming at the same time. I read that today in Ann's blog post about her oldest son growing up and getting ready for college. (yes of course I sobbed) She wrote: The boy, he’s 17 and he’s towheaded and 7 all over again and I’m watching the way a bubble lingers and lifts and he looks me in the eye, asking without words, and my chin trembles, fragile too, and the words smile and push brave around that lump:“Isn’t that what Dr. Seuss had said?“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”And I laugh brave.And the boy nods brave.And every milestone moment always forks and you get to choose which road you’ll go — bitter or blessed.And the Happening People smile because it happened at all.
“Dr. Seuss said really that?” Hope pours a cup of water, looks over at her grinning, brimming mama.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately as I watch how grown up and independent my children are getting. My oldest is about to complete his first year of high school. But in my head, he's still walking across the field to the elementary school. Next year, my second one will be out at the 8/9 building too. I'll have two not right down the block from me. Actually three because Elliana will go to optional kindergarten in the next town over too. It makes me sad, it makes me want to cling to them and not let them go, but it also makes me so very proud of who they are as individual people. But then (oh here come my tears) I realize it's not only them who are becoming independent. I am too because I'm losing my identity. You see, as a mom of  babies and toddlers, my whole world pretty much revolved around their needs. I always had a child on my hip or in a sling or clinging to my leg. The only place I ever went aside from a grocery store was church. I always had a diaper bag slung over one shoulder, wrangling my many small children with my other free hand, trying to manage all of their stuff and forgetting I ever even owned stuff of my own. I got used to that. That was who I was. I found my identity in momming. Now, I pull into the parking lot and they pretty much all get out and grab their own bibles or soccer balls or whatever random thing they have chosen to bring to church that day, and run ahead of me off to grab breakfast in the cafe or find their friends to hang out with or to their beloved classes. And I kind of look around the van and sometimes, I sit there for just a second wondering "what am I forgetting?" 

Me.

The Lord is working on me with that. 

I'm still shaking my head at how fast they have grown up and I sometimes feel like I don't know how to parent them anymore. Give me a blow out diaper or a month straight of cluster nursing all night long, stitches in the forehead, and bloodied up knees.... and I know what I'm doing. I can handle all that at the same time with half a wipe in the back of the van in the parking lot of an elementary school. I GOT THIS. ;-) But give me teenage girl drama or closed-up boys whose only answer is "fine" and I so need to hear more than that or my heart might just shrivel up and die, and I'm completely lost and looking around for that older mom who these belong to. Oh wait, that's me now. What? Oh Snap. Elli is almost 5, going on 15, I swear. I can't slow her down. And she doesn't need me for much at all anymore other than the occasional butt wiping or seams in her sock drama. Wasn't it just yesterday that I couldn't leave her for more than an hour because she wouldn't take a bottle? And now it's snowing in May and my head is spinning.

I'm working on finding my identity again. So far, I've been feeling a lot of things. 

First and foremost right now is a passion for the youth of our crazy mixed up hard world. I am finding myself as I pour Jesus into my 7/8th grade girls at church. I NEVER would have thought I would be even capable of this. Middle school girls used to scare me to death. And truth be told, I'm still feeling completely inept at handling the issues they have been bringing to the table lately... but that's the cool thing, because then it becomes all Jesus. As we work our way through the issues, we all lean into Him together and discover how very strong and capable He is. It's a beautiful thing. Last week, as I delved into some stuff that pretty much made me feel like I was going to throw up. I tossed up a whole lot of arrow prayers of "Oh God give me your words" and I came out of there feeling like I had no idea what I had just said to them, but many of us ended up in tears and there was a definite feeling of peace in what was otherwise the opposite feeling and as I walked into the main area of our church, I saw the window and I literally ran to it and hugged the window (yeah people of our church know I'm weird, it's all good) because there He was.... painting His love for me in those PINK CLOUDS of a sunset I might have otherwise missed. I heard "good job my daughter, keep leaning and listening to Me and I will keep leading you." Thank you Jesus. I stand amazed. And I give Him all the glory.

Another tab open in my head is the subject of friends. I have a couple that are troubling my heart sometimes. I am learning that we all go through different seasons of our life when we are closer to our friends than other times. Right now, I'm not hanging out with friends as much as I might like to.  I wouldn't say I'm necessarily isolating myself on purpose, but there may be a sliver of truth in that. I just am not pouring as much of myself into others right now. In a lot of areas of my life, honestly. Maybe because I'm holding onto my myself trying to figure this ride I'm on out before I can fling love like there's no tomorrow like I usually do. ;-) I'm trying to let the guilt of that slide, but I'm not very slippery if ya know what I mean. Lean. Lean hard and maybe it'll slip. So if you are a close friend of mine and you're reading this, know that I am sorry and I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I just simply need more "me time" right now. On the other hand, I got to hang out with some this weekend, and I had such a good time so I'm thinking some more fun nights are definitely needing to be on the horizon. I know that my close friends also know that I am always available and am here for them at any give moment of any give day and they know that I will drop everything if they need me at the drop of a hat, or a text. ;-) Because that is still who I am. <3 font="">

Random Thought: You know where I probably need to find my identity, or at least part of it? As the homemaker that I feel like I am supposed to be. Man, I have let my household responsibilities slide the past few months. I have major guilt about that but I just can't seem to get on track. There are so many other things calling for my attention. I'd much rather be worshiping when I have a free minute than scrubbing my floor and I can't seem to figure out how to do both at the same time. Last night, I just needed a few minutes alone and I locked myself in the bathroom after everyone else went to bed and I blared my iPod and found Him on my knees on my bathroom floor in the dark. I had a good cry, much needed I might add, and then I sat there and worshiped for an hour. I totally lost track of time and didn't get to bed til midnight. I could have had my whole house cleaned and a batch of cookies baked in that time, if I was in my old self.

"Great, now I have guilt!" Rex from Toy Story

There's a song that's been grabbing at my heart lately. Yes, this happens quite frequently to me. I was stuck on "We Crown You" by Fee for like two weeks and I'm still quite into that song, actually. It's simply a worship song for me that makes me stop and smile and sing to my King. Anyways, the song is called Sovereign by Chris Tomlin. I haven't quite figured out why it's holding onto my heart strings yet... maybe that will be a future blog post. ;-) But that's where I am at. Trying to figure out who I am. Not looking for advice from anyone or reassurance from anyone but  the One that truly matters. I'm doing OK. I'm not currently in major physical pain so I can say that honestly because most of the time when people ask, I do lie and say OK even when I'm not. :) But I'm still immersing my heart in worship daily. Still learning how to love. Still feeling like I'm a little weird, but becoming more and more OK with that. Still leaning. And wanting to always be.

And maybe the last line of this song says it all.

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

God whatever comes my way
I will trust you