Finding Him on my knees....

I've been spending a lot more time on my knees lately.
And that's a good thing.
A really good thing.
(and no, I'm not scrubbing floors,
although that wouldn't really be a bad thing either at this point. )

Today, I found myself asking Him
God, why did you make me this way?
Why did you design me with such a sensitive heart?
Why is heartache something you made so hard for me to work through?
Why is it so hard for me to heal?
Why is joy elusive to me now?
I've learned through my past painful experiences that there's peace in getting to the place where you no longer ask why, when the why doesn't matter anymore, you just trust Him. I've gotten there before through even more painful circumstances than I am troubled with now, so why can't I get there this time? God, Help Me!

I know that in this world there will be troubles.
There will be heartache.
This I know.
Jesus told us that and I've seen enough to know it's true.
But He also told us He'd be there with us.
And He is.
I have felt His loving presence with me so much and I'm so grateful for that.
I honestly don't know where I'd be if He wasn't.
So I cried to Him,
Lord You are here and I love you,
thank you for keeping me wrapped in Your Love,
but
...why won't my heart heal?
What lesson do I need to learn?
What am I not "getting"?
What do I need to do?
I'm still waiting for that answer.
Or maybe He has answered, but I haven't heard.
It's so hard for me, sometimes, to discern His answer.

I try to just find the peace and joy that I am seeking
in feeling His presence here with me.
I'm so so grateful for that.
He is enough.

I ran across this song by Kari Jobe that really says it all.
I find Him when my joy is stolen, when the pain is real, when the fear is strong, and when it's hard to heal.
This is where I am.
I want to heal. I want to find joy.
I want to kick this fear and pain to the curb where it belongs.
Why am I not strong enough to do this?
Why am I stuck in this paralyzed place of bondage,
afraid to let go,
afraid to trust,
afraid to feel?
And what exactly AM I afraid of anyway?
I don't know. And that's where anger comes in. Mad at myself, mostly.
For letting go,
for trusting,
for feeling
TOO MUCH.
But really, would I change any of that?
probably not.
I can't.
It's the way He made me.
And He makes all things glorious, right?
What does that make me?
:)
OK, so writing this out and trying to find the answers is helping. I really don't care if anyone reads it. This is for me. How can doing what I did because I was following what He told me to do be wrong? How can being obedient to Him lead to such hurt? Did I do it wrong? Was I not good enough? That's where my fear comes from. Ahhh, the old fear of failure. ARGH! You can't fail unless you don't try, right? Well I tried and tried and tried and gave it EVERYTHING I had, and I still feel like I failed. I learned from Angie Smith's What Women Fear that as long as I obeyed Him, I did not fail. My success is that I listened and did what He wanted me to. Whether or not "it worked" is of no concern to me. It may not matter in terms of whether or not I "failed" or not, but it matters. Because there is a person on the other end of that failure who hates me. A person who is still broken and hurting that needs help. And now that makes two of us. How, exactly, is that OK? Life is not fair, I realize this and I don't expect it to be. God, WHY oh why did you give me such a soft heart that I can't get past this pain? She hurt me so badly, I should be able to just "write it off", right? Why do I even care? But Oh God, I do. Do I ask you to help me not care? That seems wrong. I'm so confused and lost. I HATE the fact that this is affecting EVERYTHING else in my life. It's not just me feeling the effects. This makes me sad. And mad at myself. I'm not stuck in unforgiveness. I don't "blame" anyone or anything. I don't think I did nothing wrong and got tossed under the bus. I accept the blame. I accept the judgement. I accept my part. So WHY AM I STUCK? God, what do I have to do to let go and move on. I will forever be changed, I know, but I want to live. I want to have the peace and joy that felt in my heart before. I don't feel like I let Your Light shine out of me much right now and I want to bring You glory. I want my lifesong to sing for You. I want to trust, I want to let go, I want to feel openly again.
I trust you Lord.
I cry, but I know that You will redeem everything. And I'm finding you here in my brokenness. Finding you when I'm on my knees. Finding you you here in my hurting heart. I hope that she is too. But I fear she isn't. So many times, praying doesn't seem like enough, but it's all that I can do now. Which is unfortunate because I want to be able to do so much more, whether it is "enough" or not, again. He is enough.
He is enough.
He is enough.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Hear my prayer.

Trouble chasing me again
Breaking down my best defense
I´m looking
God i´m looking for You

Weary just won´t let me rest
And fear is filling up my head
I'm longing
God i´m longing for You
But i will

Find you in the place i´m in
Find you when i´m at my end
Find you when there's
Nothing left of me to offer you
Except for brokenness

You lift me up
You never leave me thirsty
When i am weak
When i´m lost and searching
I find you on my knees

So what if sorrow shakes my faith
What if heartache still remains
I'll trust you
My God i´ll trust you
'cause you are faithful
And i will

When my hope is gone
When the fear is strong
When the pain is real
When the it's hard to heal.

When my faith is shaken
And my heart is broken
And my joy is stolen
God i know that you lift me up
You never leave me searching