Thoughts on Thursday

Well, where do I start? It's been quite a week around here. And I am ready to get off the rollercoaster and keep my feet on solid ground. Suffice it to say... things aren't always as they seem and the people who you think you can trust can change in a heartbeat. I lost a lot this week.
Mental illness is a Very scary thing,
complicated,
unpredictable,
unfair,
confusing.
You get the picture. It's not fun. It's quite painful to see someone you love dearly go downhill so fast. It's even more painful when she turns on you and becomes hateful. In your head, you can try to rationalize what they are doing and saying about you and to other people they love as just the rantings of a mentally unstable person; but it's a whole other story to wrap your heart around that, especially when your heart feels like it's cracking. I used the analogy that when you keep hammering a square peg into a round hole, it will eventually splinter off enough to fit in there, and I was barely keeping my splinters together, as the spewing kept coming at me, and the people I love. And then there's satan who would love nothing more than for you to start to believe what they are saying is truth and that you really are a horrible piece of crap person. So then YOU start feeling like you're the unstable one, at least emotionally unstable. I even had to involve authorities because she was bordering on harassment and I was scared of how far she might go. I had to speak to my children about it. :( I had to be sure my phone was always with me and that the door were always locked. To protect myself and my family from my best friend. That made me so sad. That was my week. Up until she was finally found and taken for help yesterday, I felt vulnerable and unsafe. I wonder if that's how she feels too. :( I'm so grateful she's getting help and I pray it's enough for what she needs. I pray that I can comprehend how God sees me is all that matters. My Mandisa songs playing reminded me to believe The Truth About Me. I hope my friend can find that too. I want to forgive and forget and not let this experience scare me from being who He wants me to be. Because right now, I feel pretty torn apart. I'm not perfect, far from it, and I never claimed to be. I am just me, doing everything I can to try to be worthy of His love and grace... realizing I fall short the vast majority of the time. And that's what I'm feeling most right now, like I've fallen short. I wasn't loving enough, wasn't smart enough to figure out what she needed, wasn't a good enough friend, and didn't show her enough of Him. But what God is telling me in His always perfect ways, is that His Grace is Enough. I don't have to be "enough" because He is enough. I can't lie and say that I'm OK when people ask me so my standard line has been "I've been better". As always though, God uses everything for good.

Romans 8:28(NLT) And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

That is my life verse. I believe it to be the Truth and I trust that He will. He is already teaching me lessons through my trials. I am seeing good come out of it through strengthened relationships, more self awareness, and the love of others for me. I've made mistakes in my anger and hurt, I've repented and apologized and been forgiven. I've been humbled. I lost a lot this week. I'm trying not to let it make me lose anything else. I don't want to lose my joy. I don't want to lose my loving nature. But still, I am grieving my losses. I lost my friend. I lost some naivety, not a bad thing I guess. I lost my sense of security and for a while, my sense of who I am. Lovingly, my Heavenly Father reminded me of who I am. I am His. Now I just have to rebuild me and hope it looks more like what He sees in me.




You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other Name
Jesus, Jesus